5 years ago Sunday.....4/12/04

*Cody a couple weeks old* Sunday will mark the 5th anniversary to Cody's first surgery.....the lip surgery. There are days in your life that you will never forget....this is one of them for me. The long ride to Syracuse that early morning. The empty gut feeling of not knowing what was going to happen, what was he going to look like with a lip, one full lip. So many unknown questions/answers. We arrived, checked in, went up to the pediatric surgical floor and got set up. My nerves were a mess. Brett was being strong but so was his. Kissing him goodbye as they took him through the double doors was heart wrenching. Surgery was about 4 hours. We went to the cafeteria to eat because we had to and we waited. Finally, the nurse came and got me and I could hear him crying. You know your babies cry. I rounded the curtain to find a nurse holding him, talking to him and when I saw him....my heart sank. His little face was so bruised and bloody and there was just no way this was MY baby. *Right after surgery*I'll admit it...I had a quick little pity party for myself, the whole "why me, why him, why us" but I had to get it over it quick. He needed me and I need to get him better. We spent the night and he did pretty good. Brett slept in a chair, me in another. Everyday he got better......the bruises faded......the scar faded......his lip mobility increases......he never did need a second repair. *finally home...still some bruising, tape is off, still wearing the no-no's...but life is on the up-swing*

His surgeon thought the first one turned out great. I really can not believe how far he has come. He has excellent speech, a smile that really melts my heart. He will always have a soft spot with me. I can't help it. As his mom, as the person that gave birth to him, I will always wonder if I did something wrong. I know I didn't.....but I will always wonder it. I will never know the answer to WHY...and some days that is hard to live with....not all, just some. I do know that this has changed us, changed our family. We have met some incredible people through this journey. We have found support where we didn't think we would and have been surprised where support hasn't been. I am a firm believer though that you are only given what you can handle....some days I really do question this (especially with 3 boys in my house)...but I do believe it.